dear friends who constantly visit my site despite its stagnation of entries and its anitiquity in design,

i am itching to write ever since God knows when. but this pesky virus in my computer which has gotten me into a very big internet-telephone-budget trouble prevents me to do so. ever since it made my beloved pc its humble abode, PLDT (via its billing statement) reported that i have made a LOT of calls to the netherlands for the past 2 months. for pete's sake, who am i gonna call there??? sheesh. turns out that this smart dialer virus is the culprit. lucky me made the telephone company two thousand bucks richer, and my self two thousand bucks poorer. gad. and for the past year and a half i thought my monthly phone bill of 700 pesos, long distance calls to davao and the us included, was already too much for my mini pocket. what's worse is that i couldn't get the virus out of the pc without me reformatting the system. reformat i can't do for now, the pc housing my countless important files. hence, i couldn't do anything but limit my connection to the internet for 5 minutes a day, just enough to check my mail. instances like this really pains someone who tries so hard to stretch her limited baon for everyday food, innumerable house bills and gazillion school photox. someone like me. argh.

sige hanggang dito nalang muna. i'm gonna write and visit blogs soon. soon as i get my hands on that virus... grrrr... very soon.

'til then!

mika

ps. thank you very very much for visiting and keeping this abandoned site alive! i owe you! heheheh... =)

This is day 4 of my unofficial vacation. Out of sheer boredom and desperation to do "something", I planned to have a second earring hole pierced. And after what seemed like a minute (or was that a second?) of thinking, I went straight to Unisilver and got that piercing for my right ear. Whoa! Amazing. I never thought I'd be that fast a decision maker. Label my wacky way of thinking "twisted", but I put the blame for this hasty little act of mine to my hunger for innovation. My burning desire for CHANGE. Change. It's healthy once in a while. A necessity for survival, really. To spice up naman my monotonous life.

Hell, I still can't believe I went this far. People who know me since childhood think it's unlikely for me to do something like this, on my own. But I just did! Pagbabago nga naman oh... It's such a nice feeling to break free from the bondage of expectations.

(Thanks nga pala to pareng Syaza for getting an earring hole with me. =))

After some time of appreciating my new piercing in the mirror, my conscience suddenly spits me this guilt-full question: Alam ba yan ng mommy at daddy mo?!

Hala. Mika kaya mo yan.

THE WARMTH
Incubus

I'd like to close my eyes and go numb
But there's a cold wind coming from
The top of the highest high rise today
Its not a breeze cuz it blows hard
Yes and it wants me to discard the
The humanity I know, watched the warmth blow away
So don't let the world bring you down
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold
Remember why you came and while you're alive
Experience the warmth before you grow old
So do you think I should adhere
To that pressing new frontier
And leave in my wake, a trail of fear
Should I hold my head up high
And throw a wrench and spokes by
I'm leaving the air behind me clear
So don't let the world bring you down
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold
Remember why you came and while you're alive
Experience the warmth before you grow old
So don't let the world bring you down
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold
Remember why you came and while you're alive
Experience the warmth before you grow old
Before you grow old

That pretty well expresses my feelings for today. I'm trying hard to convince myself there's no use in feeling f*cked up about the world. Yet ang hirap.

Galit ako since kahapon. Ano ba kasi?! What's the deal with people nowadays?! Are they f*cked up about their own lives, and by acting the way they do, they make others also feel bulled about their lives as well?!

Reflexes dare me to curse. But this song says I'm worth more than that. I'm still sane, yes. But I'm on the verge of giving in to insanity's clutches. Konti na lang. So please naman, could people just be sensitive enough to care about each others' feelings???!!! PLEASE???!!! For my sanity's sake?!

To whoever you are: you're one of my closest friends, and I won't ever give up on you. It's just that I'm so tired of trying to decipher what's on your mind nowadays! I'm so tired of even trying to figure out the deal with your weird and unlikely actions! I want to help, desperately wanting to restore the you i know of. But would you please at least care to help me help you???!!! It seems that I don't know you anymore. You may not realize it, but you've changed. Ano ba talagang nangyayari???!!!! Sagutin mo naman ako!!!

Or... maybe that's it. I really don't know you at all. I just thought I did.

You know, it's ironic. I don't show you how pissed off i am. and you don't even realize that you cause me to hurt. I know it's partly my fault, being the unexpressive person I am. But could you just be more aware of the people around you??!!! I'm really tired of all these. Everyday I just realize na hindi pala kita kilala. I feel defeated. But as i said. i would NEVER give up on you. Let's just let this fade away. I just wanted to release my frustration.


God, oh please.

ps. tnx mr brandon boyd, hannah and jj!

---------------
I wrote this earlier. I just realized how angry I was awhile ago. Ngayon mejo okay na. Pero it remains that way. Malungkot pa rin ako. But I'm trying really hard to be happy. I need to feel the warmth while I'm still young. That goes for all of you. Enjoy life na lang! Wag tumulad sa mga kadramahan ko sa buhay. XD

I just came home from Rob. Joa, Adel, Ron, Bon, Rita, Syaza, Hanna and I watched Feng Shui. Although the movie didn't really scare the hell out of me, I commend it for being quite different from those past Pinoy horror flicks which were... quite... never mind. The movie trip was made more fun because I was with a number of my blockmates. Eight of us. Wow. That rarely happens. The past dates were just of fours, threes, twos or even ones. Haay. I just realized how much I miss those big-group hangouts. Glad we revived it just a while ago. Yippee! 'Twas fun! Sana maulit!

Anyway, before we watched the movie, Hanna, Bon, Ron and I ate at Chowking. And from our twenty-minute conversation, I learned a LOT. Those two boys shared some stuff that I never thought someone would share to me. I was happy to learn that I was entrusted with a good deal of their inner selves. Shux. Pero just as how nice the feeling was being a confidante of secrets, it also made me feel so ignorant and immature.

'Lam nyo yun, after the two boys have finished revealing some of their secrets, Hanna tells me "Miks, ikaw na naman mag-share", tapos i'm scanning my memory for some stuff, just to find out na wala akong ma-share? Ang hirap nun. It was then that I realized how childish and innocent I was back in high school. Ung tipong, ihahatid ako sa school, attend ako ng classes, eat at the canteen, talk to and joke with my friends, and susunduin from school. That's it. "Big" things that go my way were not about me, but of others. I'm just there to listen and empathize. I never experienced things first-hand. Malabo ba? Ang hirap i-explain. Let's just say na curious din ako what it's like to experience major crests and troughs in my life. It's like saying "how I wish na magka-spice naman ang life ko once in a while". Pero the irony is that, I'm not yet armed and ready for any "spice" that shall come my way. I'm contented the way things are right now. Weird noh? Perhaps it's God's way of telling me, there's a perfect time for everything. And today is not yet "spice" time. From this I know, when the "spices" come, I would then be ready and perfectly molded.

it's 12 in the morning and i am not yet in the right and relaxed mind to sleep. kakatapos lang ng hum 1 play namin kanina but may hangover pa rin. lam nyo ung feeling na natapos na ang isang problema, pero malungkot pa rin. ang weird ko talaga these past few days. nagkukunwaring masaya pero hindi pala. you may see me very happy, smiling and laughing as if i don't give a damn about life. i'm all but that. i feel really empty. every night i drive myself to study math100 or chem31, yet i do not get up from bed to do that. nakatunganga sa kisame for 4 hours, nag-iisip ng mga bagay-bagay na di naman dapat pinoproblema. and pagdating ko ng school saka ko nare-realize na sa apat na oras na 'yon ng pagmumuni-muni ay may nagawa na sana akong matino para sa acads ko. some may say i'm just pushing myself too hard. pero hindi eh. the problem is, i'm not even trying to push myself to strive hard. dammit. i loathe myself for being so bitchy and careless. i REALLY loathe myself for being a bitch who doesn't get her priorities straight.

kanina naalala ko i was angry at bon for no reason at all. nag-jojoke lang siya sa 'kin, at bigla na lang akong nagalit. i gave him the cold shoulder. ewan ko talaga kung bakit. pinahirapan ko pa siyang magsabi ng "sorry" sa akin. nakailang "sorry" kaya siya kanina? more than a hundred, i think. after a while i forgave him. but, tinanong ko sa sarili ko, WHAT IS THERE TO FORGIVE? anong naging kasalanan nya sa akin? wala naman. ang kapal ko talaga, pinahirapan ko pa ung tao, eh wala naman siyang nagawang masama sa akin. it was so very very insensitive of me to do that. nasa akin ang problema. matagal naman nyang ginagawa ung pagjojoke-joke sa akin, pero iba ung reaction ko kanina. it wasn't typical of me. kaya i can't forgive myself for the bitchy act. dinamay ko sa aking kalungkutan ang isang taong masaya. imagine, nag-sorry kasi inakala nyang nasa kanya ang problema pero nasa akin pala. damn. timing lang na siya ung kasama ko during my weird outburst of disappointment which should have been directed to myself.

kaya, to bon (if ever he comes across this shit-y blab of mine, i hope), i'm really very, very sorry. sorry na pinahirapan pa kita kanina with my cold treatment. i wasn't angry at you. drama queen lang talaga ako. kakaguilty. nahihiya tlga ako sa 'yo kanina pa. ako nga dapat hingi tawad. sorry sa cold shoulder. i'm really very sorry to the nth power.

----

hahay.

sad. i wanna talk but wala akong makausap. ang hirap mag-store ng problema sa loob. nakakabaliw. nababaliw na nga ako eh. tulong.

pero pano ko maso-solve problema ko, ni hindi ko alam kung ano un. o siguro ayaw ko lang harapin. ang hirap talaga. gusto kong umiyak. and after this, i think i'll shed a bucket of tears.

help me, o God.

Your half-baked smile.
I'm charmed.
Your unfinished pat.
I'm comforted.
Your corny jokes.
I'm cheered up.
Your simple compliments.
I'm flattered.
Your numerous questions.
I feel needed.
Your weird habits.
I'm delighted.
Your ungentlemanly acts.
I shove off.
Your unpredictability.
I'm willing to decipher.
Your selfish ways.
I forget.
Your whole person.
I'm happy...
Your love.
It's not for me to have.
That's why.
Your friendship.
I'm satisfied.


The bitchy side of me has struck again.

Hehehehe... I'm in laughing mode today. Pwede bang mag-tagalog na lang dito? Hehehehe uli. Ansarap matulog nang matagal. 2 and a half hours akong nakahilata sa kama pagtapos ng math 100. (1) 2:30 pa susunod kong klase. (2) ayokong mag-aral para sa botany recitation. (3) wala akong pera. kaya natulog na lang ako. ang sarap ng buhay, parang walang problema. PARANG lang. ayoko na ring isipin. sobrang nakakatamad.

wala lang. post lang ako kasi stale na stale na ung last entry ko.

me katabi pala ako dito sa netopia na sobrang tapang ang amoy. foreynger kasi eh. pero tolerable pa naman. buti na lang at me taong namamagitan pa sa aming dalawa. hehehhe...

siya nga pala, magiging stale muna 'tong entry ko bago ako makakapag-update uli. kasi busy weeks ngaun and the next. EXAMS! hehehhe... tawanan na lamang ang problema. sana sipagin ako at sana pagsabihan ako ng aking konsyensya na gawin ang dapat gawin. hmph.